An Aside: Keeping it safe for the girl

A quick aside here, because I want to tell you a bit about my current existence, rather than making you wade through 29 years of history to get there. One thing I decided when I came up with the idea to write this blog was that I would not do it without the approval of my current girlfriend. This was a difficult decision, but it was also an easy decision. Not sure if that makes sense. But what I decided was the following: First, there was no way in hell that I wanted to be covertly writing a blog of any sort, and posting things about myself on the internet, without her knowing. It would feel wrong for so many reasons. I think that it would constitute a level of dishonesty and deceptiveness that would warrant ending a relationship. The second reason is that I wanted her not only to know about it, but also to have the opportunity, if she wished, to be a reader of it. Why should you lot of strangers have the rights to the history and secrets of my fetish, but not the person whom I love and wish to be as deeply intimate as I can possibly be. In essence, this opening of "the book" is an effort (I believe, an honest effort) not to repeat the mistakes of past relationships, and also to start accepting for real; to have this thing that is a part of "me" become a part of "we", in a way that does not involve fear, manipulation, or deception.

The girl already knows about the fetish. I made a painful effort to be completely open from the start. So this is not a "coming out". But it is a "letting in", so to speak.

So, why this entry now, injected in the early-middle of a 29 year history? Well, because one thing I am constantly balancing as I write this, is that I want to make sure this is something that I can share not only with you, but with her. And that's an interesting challenge, because I don't know exactly what is too sensitive of a topic. But getting into adult relationships could be painful. Having the reality that the fetish is not a new thing that only she has experienced, but something that played at least some part in several earlier relationships, requires care. I want to tell this story right. And I believe if I tell it right, meaning that I stay true to my mission, of relating an understanding of myself, and my experiences, that it will be a positive thing for everyone.

Still, it makes me nervous. There's storytelling, there's editing, there's censoring, there's tact. And I would like to stick to tactful storytelling, rather than leaving out large chunks, or altering important details, if they relate to the evolution of my fetish or my understanding of self. I want to accept myself, and be accepted for all of who I am or have been. It just doesn't seem like there's a lot of value in settling for something less than that.

Still... it makes me nervous.