The beginnings of "The Paradox"

So, things got much "better" in terms of opportunities for viewing. And the reason for this was that I got a job working at a restaurant. I need to pause here for a second and remind myself of why I am writing this blog, because I think it would be easy for it to devolve into a long list of me telling you about all the things I've seen and all the things I've done, and having it be no better (from my point of view as a writer) than "fetish material", which is specifically not what I was trying to create here.

What was the point of this blog? Well, I wanted to relate things about the chronology of my fetish to my emotional development, and understanding of self, and try to present what might be a quite typical experience so that we can all relate to it, and feel a little more comfortable. I will feel more comfortable (ideally) because I think though all of this. And you will feel more comfortable (ideally) because you'll realize that you're not alone. And maybe in some small way, we'd even have a good chat via the comment section of this blog.

So let me be careful not to turn this into a long list of girls that I have seen smoking. But also, let me be careful to not remove so much of "that", such that it becomes boring. Right?

Back to the restaurant. Working in the restaurant, I was around a lot of girls who were smokers. And it was different from anything I had experienced before, because I no longer needed to be sneaking a glance at them. Instead, I was working with them, taking breaks with them, having meals with them, and pretty much just hanging out with them. So this might have started to be the point at which I became a little bit less voyeuristic, since I didn't have to be. Though, I probably still was. Because, in addition to the coworkers, who were always around, there were also customers who would only be around for a little while. This was when smoking was still allowed in all restaurants. So if I noticed that there were some really cute girls sitting in the dining room and smoking, suddenly I would be volunteering to go clear tables (which I hated to do, so the managers should have known there was some sort of ulterior motive). Again, even at age 16 or 17, I was probably still really obvious and not very tactful at all. Given that I have even had significant others tell me that my "staring" can be a bit intense, I can imagine that whatever I was doing to these poor girls was probably more than a little bit disconcerting.

The thing I really wanted to get into here was "The Paradox".

Here I was, surrounded by all of these girls who smoked. And I had an excellent rapport with all of them. And they thought I was cute. And they thought I was funny and smart. But I would not ask any of them out, or try to be their boyfriend! Why? Because I wouldn't date a smoker.

There you have it. That, in a nutshell, is pretty much the essence of my entire existence on this planet. There were a lot of reasons I had in my head. These included things such as... she's got to be part of the wrong crowd if she is a smoker, or... I wouldn't want my parents to find out, or... I wouldn't want my friends to find out. The list of reasons went on and on. But the truth is, on the one hand, I was completely aroused and driven insane by these girls, but on the other hand, I would not date any of them. And ironically, I never dated a single girl from my town in all of high school. I had crushes, but none of them ever went out with me. But here, right there for the picking, were a big handful of dating opportunities that I passed up.

At one point in time, there was this girl, BR, who actually was from a very messed up family. She was probably only 16 and I was 17, and we had a strange flirtation that would go on. She wasn't very intelligent, I am sad to say. She had a certain streetwise ability, but she was not going to be applying the Pythagorean Theorem to the pizza slices, put it that way. Anyway, she smoked Marlboro Red which, to this day, I still think is the sexiest thing, for reasons that I cannot fully explain, but perhaps, at some point, I will write an entry devoted to my attempt at offering a rational explanation for a completely irrational preference. Anyway, like I said, because she smoked, I wouldn't date her. Well, at one point, she said she had quit smoking. So I asked her on a date. And we had a pretty good time. We went out a few times. And of course, when we were out, I was almost undoubtedly thinking about her smoking, and wishing that she were, while simultaneously acknowledging to myself that if she were, I would stop dating her.

It turned out, after a few dates, we stopped seeing each other anyway. I sort of just blew her off, which was primarily because one of my coworkers, who was also a friend of mine, had a huge crush on her, and I think his feelings were immensely hurt that she went out with me and not him. So first his feelings were hurt. And then her feelings were hurt. And then, not long after, she started smoking again. And then things returned to the way they were before the whole thing started. So, BR was messed up, yes. But there were a number of other girls at work during that time - well, at least two that I can think of - who were not messed up. And I could have, and probably should have dated them.

That issue of being uncomfortable with my identity, though... it kept me from seeking anything that might make me happy. However, this is not to say that dating a girl who smoked was the thing that was essential for making me happy. But I should also not have let that thing, which happened to be a huge turn on, also be a reason not to date them. I was way too concerned about impressions and what people thought. And I spent most of my youth, and adult years worried about what everyone else thinks.

Sadly, I think I still worry about what people think. Fortunately, that list of people has shrunken to be a very short list. Fortunately again, that list does not include my parents. And even in the case of the few people whose approval I still seek, I am fully aware of the absurdity of it, and at least try not to let it govern my choices.