Until I was well into my twenties, I was pretty sure I was the only person in the world who had a smoking fetish. Except for possibly my grandfather, but if you've read the whole blog, you know that story, and that it was likely a fabrication, with no truth to it whatsoever. So I was alone. And isolated. Lonely. And felt stigmatized. Whenever we would talk about girls, my guy friends would always call out the unpleasant flaw "But she smokes... that's disgusting", to which I would pretty much have to just be quiet. I certainly never felt comfortable telling them what I really felt about it. In fact, to this day, at age 40, I have never told a male friend of mine about the fetish. I have told a lot of women. Girlfriends whom I've told? At least 9. Plus two other female friends. Plus at least 3 therapists.
I will come back to those stories later.
But to be in your teens is already to feel like you're different from everyone, and to be constantly struggling to be accepted, without hardly a hope of being able to accept yourself. And when you throw the fetish into the mix, I guess I was rather uncomfortable.
Ironically, I imagine that a greater number of people learned about my fetish in the last week through this blog than had learned about it in my "real life" in the entire 30 years prior. That's a bit funny to me.
I recall similar memories. In my history I was the beginning smoker who tried to encourage my non-smoking girlfriends to try it. Fortunately I was unsuccessful. College for me was a bonanza! Such the selection. I would have even done better at a public institution but alas, I was stuck in the private college sector. Like you, my fasination began before my memory and has continued for 50 + years.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to drop you a line to say thanks for sharing. I can identify with the feelings of isolation as well. I have not one smoker in my core group of friends so smoking has always been a fatal flaw when talking about partners and such.
ReplyDeleteI've told even fewer people than you (in real life)about my fetish, so far only the world via my blog and my current boyfriend.
Keep writing! It is great to see more people sharing their stories...
Yeah, aside from my wife (and it took me several years to open up to her about) I've never told anyone in real life. And like you, I never imagined at first that anyone could possibly share my fetish. Seems silly now that I could be so naive, but it wasn't until fetishes started becoming more open in magazines and videos that I started to realize I wasn't alone...and it took the Internet's arrival for me to realize I was actually a member of a rather large group of people.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, though, while I never felt comfortable opening up about my fetish, I also never felt any shame for it. Just wondered if I was odd, I guess.
Hi. I cant tell you how much I enjoy your story. Being a 35 year old european its still exactly the same story that I carry with me. Thanks to you and to closetfascination for putting words to my feelings.
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