My life started in 1968. My story started around 1978. And the entries I've written thus far, have carried us through approximately 1996. And it's getting harder to write. I am not sure why. It's a combination of factors, I think. First, the closer I get to the present, the more I come upon recent emotions, recent experiences, recent shame, and potentially things close enough to home that I am apprehensive about stirring the pot, or possibly writing something that causes any type of anxiety for my current partner. I think, in reality, the fear is mine. Not hers. But still. I am eventually going to be up to the year 2009, and that will be a bit of a strange feeling.
Another reason why I am hitting this wall, is because I have been thinking more about this. I dove into this pond, and now I am wondering if it's water, or acid. Did I really want to write a public story of some extremely private experiences? I haven't told you who I am. But there are definitely one or two people on this planet who, if they searched for the right thing, could stumble upon this blog and figure out that it's me. But again. I don't think that's the reason for the hesitation.
The hesitation comes from just wondering: "Did I need to go here? Did I need to do this?" And I still don't know exactly why I did it. Did I do it because I wished to indulge my thoughts more? Because that hasn't really worked. It isn't making me more aroused by the topic. And it isn't making me less aroused by the experience. It just is what it is.
Did I do it because I was hoping to rid myself of some sort of ghost or monkey on some back or skeleton in some closet or chip on some shoulder or crack in the surface of some otherwise perfectly shiny object? I really don't think so. It's not going to make anything go away, or change, fundamentally.
Did I do it because I want to desensitize myself to the taboo and secrecy of the topic, by coming out - all the way out - to a bunch of strangers, so that down the road, maybe I can be more open casually about this. In the same way that Joey might say he likes girls who wear a certain perfume, or Suzie really likes boxer shorts, will I be able to say that I think that it's really sexy when a woman smokes? Again, I seriously doubt it. And I don't even think that would be a goal since, by and large, people's sexual secrets remain secret.
Did I really think you were going to benefit from this in some way, other than your brief entertainment? Or the fact that someone might say something that resonates with how you feel? I don't know.
Or did I really just want to know how many people would look at such a blog? Get a gauge on the size of this community? Well, there's an interesting one. Maybe. Did I really just want to write something that mattered to a lot of people? Definite maybe.
I've been writing blogs in one form or another for years, and I have never had more than a dozen or so hits a day on any of those. Those blogs talked about my life, my observations, my work, my interests, my travels, politics, you name it. And at best, I got my friends to read it. I tried some avenues to get broader readership, but it's like trying to launch a ship that has no wings and is made of wet sponge. It's got nowhere to go.
But, if you pick a topic that's specific, and has a high level of interest to a specific group, there's your bingo. People will read it. Especially if it's a reasonably small market of writers, and in spite of the fact that it might only be a modest sized market of readers.
Anyway, this is borderline off-topic, so I will stop here. And move on to 1996. Because that's where my story left off.
I for one am greatly enjoying your blog. I'm older, and have gone through similar experiences as yourself in my internet discoveries. Some things ring true, some don't. After all is said and done, we are after all individuals. What I don't think you've touched on yet, which is big part of your blogging, is the journey of self discovery. In my case, and I believe yours too, the smoking fetish is like the body of an optopus. There are so many tenticles coming from the main body. Perhaps you've explored a few already and will give them their due here in your blog. Blogging didn't come around until long after I had the need to express myself. I started writing stories. First on ASSTR.ORG then Literotica. To give you a further idea of how large our community is, my stories have generated in excess of 100k reads. Yeah, it's much larger than you suspected.
ReplyDeleteI also got a smile from one of your commentators Matt. If it's the Matt that I think it is, we do owe him a debt of gratitude. (I'm thinking of the long gone actor Ward Bond of the early television series Wagon Train) IF Matt wasn't the driver, he certainly held the shotgun on the lead wagon on it's journey across the internets "plains".
Hm... the journey of self-discovery. I would love it if you were willing to elaborate on that one a bit. I agree that I think that's probably a big part of where I wanted to be going with this. But I am wondering if I am not getting there because I just haven't got around to it yet in the blogging? Or if I am not getting there *at all* because I don't fully understand what it is. For me, lately, I have been feeling like the big "self discovery" has been that a large part of this fetish relates to "control" and that in some ways, letting go of that control will be necessary for me to get to deeper levels of intimacy. That doesn't mean "letting go of the fetish" completely, but I think it would mean that the fetish loses much of its *negative* powers over me.
ReplyDeleteI worry about my blog being discovered by outside readers that might be able to figure out who I am. On many occasions, I have considered stopping because of that.
ReplyDeleteI would be interested to hear more about your ideas about how the fetish relates to control. I think you might be onto something there. Anyhow, I've enjoyed reading what you have been willing to share so far and look forward to more.
Self Discovery.......for me it didn't really happen until I turned about 48 years old. Our bodies change from year to year. Everyday I notice another spot on my arms for example. Yeah, too much sun. OK Our minds change somewhat as well. There is nothing static about the human mind. New flavors come across our tongues (thank god). New ideas of sexual stimuli also come across our brains.
ReplyDeleteI used to fear the SF. Yep. Thought I was wierd. Didn't tell a soul. I'd been married for 20 years almost and never shared my sexual fantacies. Not that I didn't try, she was just the acme of hangups. We divorced back in 95. Then I began my journey to living happilly ever after. The best anology I can think of is venturing out onto a frozen lake. You think the iced will support you, but you have that nagging fear of falling through. Once you get out a ways, perhaps the ice makes a sound.....you stop...and tremble...but soon enough your confidence comes back and you venture further. Maybe you even find other footprints. On your next trip out to the lake, you put on your skates and do some skating, and eventually you are so comfortable on the ice, you can't even remember being fearful.
Did my SF exert some control over me? Probably. But I like to think of the little devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear made an awful lot of sense. (this relationship is really lacking)
Picture this if you will. A woman loves a man. After dating for several months he has a secret to confess. Honey....I poop purple. The woman is awestruck. "That's wierd....really!" So he shows her. But is a problem. As long as he flushes the toilet when he's done, who's to know. Would she tell her friends. Yeah, maybe a few. But what would they think? Curiousity perhaps, maybe a fun fact they take forward. Embarrasing maybe in certain circumstances. Dinner parties and the like.
Almost eleven years ago I met a woman on-line. Match.com. She sent a letter to another gentleman but she'd clicked on the wrong profile when she sent it. I got it, but since the distance was so far between us, it wasn't meant to be. But we chatted and shared and did eventually meet. In the meantime during our chats, I was so honest it was almost comical. She loved our chats. And loved my honesty, and did not think my being attracted to women that smoked sounded all that strange. At two ppd she was glad as hell I was attracted to woman that smoked. She shared a few private things with me as well, and I didn't think she was strange. We've been married one month shy of ten years now, and we continue to be honest with each other, and laugh at funny things all the time.
Intimacy is all about being honest and willing to accept. It takes time and trust. But it's well worth it. And you don't have to give up eating egg plant.
Well, between Perplexed Fetishist, Closet Fascination and myself, I'm clearly the safest of us all. With the heavy focus on fiction and very few details that would pinpoint my identity, it's pretty unlikely someone will stumble upon me. More likely that I will one day post a comment while logged in as Smokedawg, when I should be logged in under my more usual blogging name, and have someone track me back to my blog. If it happens, it happens.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why any of us blog about anything, but I think it is, largely, good for somebody. Not always the blogger him/herself but often the readership.
Seeing ourselves in others' experiences, and seeing diversions/differences as well, is good. Talking about a topic like this on mutliple levels is good.
I hope that both you and C.F. continue. I hope that I hold out as well, producing commentary and personal experiences as well. It's hard for me sometimes to dissect my fetish because sometimes my desires seem silly when I do. Other times, though, I am reminded of why they aren't silly. And recently related an argument I had with my wife was a difficult experience because it wasn't pretty or sexy or even all that enlightening. It was just raw and something I felt needed to be told as a prelude to another tale. In fact, that's the only thing so far on my blog (relating the argument) that I asked permission of my wife before posting.
Sometimes I wonder if we get too personal. But other times, I realize that there's something for all of us to learn, and something to teach and explain to those few who come to our blogs and don't have (and don't understand) the fetish but want to get some grasp on it or comprehension of it.
For as long as you can find the will to write about this, I will continue to come and see what you have to say. It's enlightening stuff.
Well, I am "Ms. Annoymous" from a couple posts back. Your blog has given me much to think about. I too have a blog in my past. It was about an educational experience I had and it had some whistle-blower aspects that meant I did not want to be recognized. It was controversal in an obscure area and IRL I had the experience of hearing people wonder who it was who had written it. It was rewarding to get people discussing things without my having to personally 'take the heat'. As I write this I find myself being very vague to remain undetectable.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a teenager I remember going on a camping trip with my mother, my guy cousin, and some other young family members. My guy cousin read my diary which was under my pillow. It had a little lock that he rifled through my things and found. Then he publicly taunted me about it. I complained to my mother who - rather than chastizing my cousin for his breach of my privacy - told me "if you don't want people to know you wrote something - don't write it." I have to admit this bit of practical wisdom (combined with the complete lack of justice coming from my mom) kept coming back to me as a warning when writing my blog.
Another issue is posterity. This happens with anything one publishes. Are you really going to be happy you wrote this in 10 years? Are you completely done emotionally and sexually? I took a deep breath a few months ago and actually tried to read that diary from when I was a teenager. Yuk. Glad it was not published! My theories about boys have certainly changed! :-)
I wonder if, the more you accept and feel accepted with the fetish, the more you will change in some way. Also, something that is not discussed a lot in the US is how people's view of sex changes after menopause (or andropause). Some people totally lose interest. Some become more interested in other pursuits - spiritual or otherwise. Another interesting thing that I am witnessing is people in their 50's starting to be more like the other sex... women more interested in sex and men more interested in feelings. I wonder if on some level you wonder about how static your feelings about your fetish will be?