More sidetracking following the insightful comments

So... I will continue the history and the story that I was telling. But the comments that came in over the past few days made me want to just talk for a little bit longer about "the path". By that, I am referring to that decision I made to start this blog. Thinking about that, and how it came to be, and how it has gone forward from there, makes me realize a bit about why I am doing this, and what it has meant, and will mean.

The subject of a smoking fetish related blog actually originated from a very different angle. After I had told my partner about the fetish, and we'd been pondering and discussing it for some time, we had casually discussed the idea of "I bet the two of us could make some money if we decided to do our own smoking fetish website!" It was sort of a sexy idea, and there's little doubt that there would be money to make. We talked about what the parameters would need to be, and the care around privacy, and a variety of other things. I am not going to say any more about that subject now, because it blows the chronology that I am trying to maintain. But, the point I want to make here is that I was discussing this whole subject of smoking and fetish and internet with my lover as a "we" not as an "I". This was something different and new for me. In the past, I believe I have always treated the fetish as some sort of growth on my body that was ugly but inoperable, and that it eventually needed to be attended to, but it was mine, and it was private. Or, if I let someone in on the deal, it was purely for what they could do to indulge that fetish. But in this relationship, with this partner, I made the choice that I wanted it to always be between us. No secrets. And, for better or worse, to share it. There are interesting challenges that go along with that, which I will talk about. Later.

But I think this blog came out of that feeling of wanting to be really connected to that history, and see where it goes and what emotions come about if I don't just keep burying the past and repeating it, but instead, fully archive the past, and then try to make peace with it. And the fact that this blog was created with my partner's awareness and approval, as well as occasional involvement in terms of discussions before or after posts are made; I think that's a step in the direction I was hoping to go.

The past few days, I've been a little bit blocked, and a little down, and maybe that was causing me to not see this for what it is. I am somewhere in the middle of it. And I will keep going. Because I do think that all of it is necessary. And I do believe that it isn't just a superficial or self-serving endeavor. So thanks for the encouragement.