Still Perplexed

I disappeared from this blog for about 4 months, as you probably noticed.

During that time, I had not noticed that a very generous major website added me to their list of new links. And the result was that when I randomly peeked at my "hit counter" on ActiveMeter (a great website), I was surprised to see that there was... how should I say... some activity on this blog.

I didn't abandon this blog because I ran out of things to say. And I also recognize that I never finished the story that I was trying to relate. But what happened, as has happened before in my life, is that I had another of my "pushing it back into the darkness" periods. A phase where whatever progress I have made in terms of self-acceptance, once again, is buried. And the topic goes back into the shame bucket.

I haven't told you about my current relationship, and I think the chronology of it will likely make its way onto this blog in the coming days, weeks, months; including the "special" feature that came to mind back in August when I last wrote here. What I will say right now is that the perplexed and conflicted part of me, I believe, still lies in the complete uncertainty as to whether I want to share this with a partner, or have it completely for my private self. On the one hand, there's a great allure to having a "fetish encounter". There's the sheer visual and sensational aspect of it. And there's also the knowledge that someone is doing something for me. But on the other hand, I feel like letting someone in on it is almost like allowing my own privacy to be violated. My fantasies are my fantasies. And when I ask someone to participate, they are no longer fantasies. Even if someone is trying to act out my fantasy, it's still not a fantasy anymore. It's a reality. And it starts to lose something. And as soon as that "suspension of disbelief" is itself suspended, all of the negative emotions start flooding in. The shame. The embarrassment. The feeling that I am encouraging something bad.

And, perhaps most of all, the feeling that I am giving up control.

The only thing that I really can control with respect to the fetish is my own decision to share or not share it. If I choose to never speak of it, and merely view the same overplayed videos on YouTube, then I have control. It's private. Mine. No one can judge me. But if I share it, then I no longer have any control over it. And I have found that, when this occurs, I start to try really hard to control it. And that makes me manipulative. And if my partner (and this has been true with every partner) does not carry out my fantasy in the exact manner that is most appealing to me, then I either want to try to "instruct" them, to which some people are more or less receptive, or I just privately wish that they'd done it differently.

With my internets, I have complete control over the programming. If someone doesn't smoke the brand that turns me on? I can just click another link. If someone doesn't exhale the way that I like? Click another link. If someone wears too much makeup? Another link. If someone acts really stupid and slutty in a way that I don't like? Link. There's really no limit. And you can always find another link. And really, you only need to find one that's good enough to have your splendid orgasm and get on with the day.

If you let a partner - a lover - a real person into this fetish, then you cannot click another link.

And after your orgasm, you can't turn your back on the thing you just did that's kind of okay and kind of not okay. It's still there. Because when the fantasy stops, your real person, whom you eat dinner with, watch movies with, take walks with, go to the gym with, ride to work with, sleep with... all those "normal" things. They're still there. And they know you. They know what you want. And I have to be there with that and be okay with it.

And though sometimes I feel I can let someone all the way in on this, eventually I retract and decide to keep it to myself. Not just because I don't feel comfortable with them knowing who I am, but also because I am uncomfortable with who I become. The controlling. The manipulation. Not necessarily control and manipulation that is acted upon, but the desire to do it.

And that's why I have been gone for 4+ months.

But now I'm back.