Okay, right off the bat, must acknowledge that the title of this blog is tongue in cheek. I don't believe or expect to be "cured" of something that turns me on. But I have come upon a circumstance that makes me think more about the fetish, and the choice I have about what role it will or will not play in my life.
I started dating someone who recently quit smoking, after over 20 years of addiction. She's had a hard time quitting, spending the past year doing the best she can, with a few relapses. It seems that the issue is really not a physiological one, so much as being about "willingness" to stay away from it. When I met her, I had no idea that she'd been a smoker, and (having met online) I assumed that she was not, since her profile had indicated "not at all." And I was honestly glad that she was not, because I have found it much easier to have an unplagued relationship with people who are firmly non-smokers (in recent years, anyway). On one of our first dates, we'd been fooling around a bit, and afterwards she sort of absently proclaimed "I really want to smoke a cigarette." This, of course, hit me like a sledgehammer, in a variety of ways. The first thought was curiosity. The fetish mind immediately wanted to know everything about it. Because Pandora's Box was being cracked open. If she'd never mentioned it, I may have never myself (or at least not for a long time). But it was out there. We had a little back and forth discussion about it. I queried obliquely with something like "Oh yeah?" which was the best I could do to mitigate the latent question of "Tell me more, please!" because I really didn't want to launch down the fetish avenue. I didn't even ask her if she'd been a smoker. I did the best I could to be neutral. She pointed out that she knew it was disgusting, to which I responded (honestly) that it was actually kind of a turn on to me. I underplayed it. But I decided that, given how hard it is for me to open up about this, I may as well take this chance to get it out there, and be done with it. The longer I wait, the harder it is to reveal. And I guess I would rather be known, and understood, than not.
The next morning, she was giving me a ride to the airport, and on the car ride, she again announced that she really wanted to stop and buy cigarettes. This, of course, turned me on, but I kept my mouth shut because I don't want to encourage it. And more importantly, I was really attracted to her for exactly who I saw her to be. It had nothing to do with smoking. And I didn't want it to morph into being "iconic" - I didn't want the fetish to become the thing that I was attracted to.
Long story short, when I was out of town, she relapsed and started smoking again. And it became clear that she was a long-time smoker, and that this was a struggle for her. When I returned, we had to navigate the fact that she was now smoking. We talked about what she wanted, and it was clear she did not really want to be a smoker again. I made it clear to her that I accepted her as she was, smoker or not. The first week or so of this, I did allow myself to watch her, and to get aroused by it. But something happened during that week, as it became (I think) evident that we were going to be more serious as a couple. I decided (and it turns out, she decided too) that we were not going to have smoking be "a thing" for us. And I stopped watching her (for the most part). And she consciously tried not to explore my interest, or probe what the fetish was all about. We did the best we could to have smoking just be a thing she does, because right now she's having a hard time with it, but not a part of our relationship.
Over the course of a few weeks, her struggle with the relapse actually (perhaps not surprisingly) resulted in her smoking even more than was acknowledging to herself. I think there was some sort of internal battle with willingness to let go of it again. I felt strongly that I didn't want be pressuring her to stop, because I didn't want it to turn into a control thing. But deep down, it was obvious that a) she didn't want to be a smoker, and b) she hadn't fully accepted that she'd returned to smoking habitually again. Finally, after a few weeks of this, I decided to have a conversation about it. Skipping the details, the end result was that she decided to quit again.
I felt really good about the fact that I had taken the position of what was best for her health and self-confidence. It is a struggle for me to do that, because I'm basically saying "I'm willing to turn down the thing that turns me on more than anything else in the world, with the person whom I am most interested in being turned on by, because I love you, and I don't want to selfishly encourage you to do something that is bad for you." To a non-fetishist, this would be so obvious, but to those of you who are reading this, you probably have one of two reactions. Either 1) you think I'm an idiot - and why would I pass up the perfect situation with a great girlfriend who is a natural smoker! or 2) Wow... that's got to be hard, but it is a pretty impressive sacrifice.
Her resolve lasted nearly a month. Then, I went out of town again, and she had a brief relapse. This time, it didn't result in her hopping back on the habit. It was just an isolated few days, and she pulled it together again. I was a bit disappointed with myself though, because when she relapsed, I took that as license to get turned on by it. We were having a video chat (the first one ever), and she confessed to me that she'd smoked (which I sort of knew she was going to tell me). I sort of asked her to tell me about it, which she did. Then, I asked her if she still had any cigarettes, which she did. So I told her to get one, because I wanted to see her holding it. Of course, holding it made her want to smoke. So she went outside (no video, unfortunately) and smoked a cigarette while we were talking on the phone. And it turned me on immensely. But I felt like I'd let myself and her down a little bit. Because I did encourage her. In that moment, she may or may not have done it. But I said "Do it for me." We then talked about how it's a challenge for me, and we talked about how she doesn't really want to be a smoker anymore. And I confessed to her that I was giving myself license to show my arousal and interest, probably because of her relapsing.
The point here is that I'm trying to navigate a balance between my values and beliefs, and this primal thing that is inside of me, that I don't think will ever go away.
She knows that I will look at videos online, and she's okay with that. It's quite a powerful thing to have your partner tell you "I know there are things that turn you on that you'll think about on your own, and don't have to include me." I don't want her to be a smoker - not because I wouldn't love to watch her, and have insane passion resulting from it. And it's not that I want to deprive myself of that arousal. It's that I fucking love this woman. With all my heart. And I want her to be the healthiest, happiest version of herself that she can possibly be. And I know she feels better when she doesn't smell like smoke. And when she can breathe, and exercise without being winded. And when she doesn't have an addiction that she needs to hide from half the people in her life (and struggle with her own identity around it). So, for me, this love is recognizing that there is someone who means a billion times more to me than instant gratification.
It's a strange double standard I have about it. If I didn't really respect my partner, I might (as you've heard previously in this blog) indulge the fetish. If I knew that my partner was not in any way compelled toward addiction to smoking, but was only occasional with it, I might allow myself to indulge in the fetish. But when I think about a person with whom my whim could result in them getting trapped in a habit that's incredibly hard for them to break, it becomes a no-brainer.
I had some discussions a while back in a newsgroup where people were debating whether it is right or wrong to encourage and/or allow one's partner to be a smoker, and to engage in the fetish. There were a lot of attitudes on there that were of the variety "If she wants to smoke, then there's no reason why I shouldn't enjoy it" or "You're just denying yourself the greatest excitement imaginable because of guilt - and that's your problem - we don't want to hear about it." But I think that whether we have a smoking fetish or not, we are human beings. And there's some degree of ethical responsibility around our actions.
But that's just my opinion.
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