Strange juxtaposition of emotions

I was thinking the other night about the question "What if my girlfriend were to start smoking again?" It might have been a slight variation on that, such as "I wonder if she's going to 'relapse' or slip-up?" The thought of that happening stirred in me, simultaneously, an eclectic mix of emotions. All at once, I felt: fear, curiosity, arousal, anger. There were a few others in my list, that have since eluded me. But the point here is that my mixed feelings about smoking, combined together with my struggles with (the illusion of) control, makes me a bit schizophrenic when it comes to the topic.

Fact: I do not want my girlfriend to start smoking again. I think it's phenomenal that she has successfully stopped, and it is a joy to have her smell like her. That, of course, on top of all the major health benefits, and lifestyle benefits, and self-esteem (since she doesn't want to be a smoker anymore).

Fact: If she "slipped-up" and smoked, I would wish that I could have seen it, and I'd be incredibly aroused by it. I would probably break my own rules and ask her to give me all the details about why she did it, how it felt, etc. (I am trying not to discuss the fetish, because I don't want to encourage her). I would rationalize this inquiry on the grounds that it's an allowance to myself, i.e. "slip-up" that is comparable in degree and nature to her slip-up. That may be fucked up logic, but I'm only human.

I'm actually proud of the fact that I have never asked her to smoke for my arousal (though, as I think I stated in previous entry, I did go so far as to ask her to hold one, while on a video chat, after she'd confessed to a slip-up previously). This probably sounds ridiculous to some of you, I realize. But it's a big deal to me to not persuade someone to relapse on their addiction. Call me crazy!

Let's look at a different example. If my girlfriend were an alcoholic, and I found it incredibly arousing to have sex after a few glasses of wine, would it be acceptable to ask her to just have a few glasses of wine with me? Now, you can tell me that alcoholism is different because it destroys people's lives. But so does smoking. It may be true that one night of reckless drinking can have a far greater impact, i.e. if you get into a car accident. But over years of chronic use, I think anyone would be hard-pressed to argue that smoking is less harmful than alcohol.

I know you didn't come here to read that kind of stuff. But I told you right at the top of this page that I'm a perplexed fetishist, not a carefree one.

If you haven't checked out LaylaMonroe, by the way, she's my favorite YouTube specimen at the moment (I figured I'd throw that in just so you don't think I'm completely righteous).