The non-smoking (and thus, non-fetish) phase of our relationship lasted a little while. She kept her resolve and didn't smoke (save for the couple of slip-ups) for almost 3 months. And I kept my composure and, of course, didn't encourage her to do it. I did my best to discourage, in fact. But then there came a particular week where she was thinking about smoking every day. There was a mutual (though unknown to her) crescendo of obsessing occurring. Each day, without fail, I would receive a text message from her at some point during the day with the words:
"I want to smoke."
I knew that text would be coming. And because I knew it would be coming, I was always aroused in anticipation. I can almost smell the obsession in the air. Maybe you don't understand. But probably, you do. As a result of this anticipation, I was masturbating a lot that week. It's interesting, the parallel of the obsession. The more she thought about it, the more I thought about it. And while trying to remain neutral, and not say anything to her about it, to not query her about it in absence of her mention, it had created something of a frenzy in my mind. Because I knew. Eventually, she's going to smoke. And though I've seen it before, and it's honestly not a big deal, right? But because of the anticipation. All about the anticipation. I got more and more excited.
There was one day, at the end of that week. Maybe it was a Thursday. She texts me and says that she is going to smoke today. I realize that she's reached the point where the fantasizing and obsession are at the cusp of action. And here's the first time that I feel like I "intervened" in a self-serving way. I said "Can you wait until you get home?" Meaning: "I want to watch." She agreed she would wait. So now, I'm trying to find a way to get home from work as early as possible. And it seems a bit irrational that I'm shuffling my day around to try to be there for this, but it is immensely arousing, and I am on sexual autopilot. In fact, her desire to smoke was great enough that I think she was as eager for me to get home as I was.
I know I should probably go through the entire account of what it was like to watch her, but since I'm trying not to be a porn site, I'll ruin your turn-on and change topics here. Sorry.
So she smoked. Yes. And we made an agreement that she would only smoke rarely. And that agreement has been upheld, by and large. She may go a week without smoking. And then she might smoke once or twice a day for several days in a row. We have made other pseudo-agreements about the subject as well. The most recent was that she will only smoke with me. This serves an interesting multiple purpose. First, if that is something she can stick with, it means that she is less likely to let it spiral into a full relapse. Second, it means that it's something that's not just for her, but between us. It's a pretty generous recognition of the fetish, and the power it has for me.
On one occasion, shortly after the controlled relapse, there was a day where we met up in the afternoon, and I could tell that she'd been smoking without me. It was interesting, because I knew that the only cigarettes she'd had were at my house, so I assumed that she must have smoked with a friend. I called her on it, and she said she hadn't been smoking. But she doesn't realize that I have spent the last 30 years becoming more and more attuned to subtle hints of such things, and I knew she'd smoked. So I felt pretty upset that she was lying to me. Interestingly, the issue was not that she smoked. I wasn't upset that she smoked. I was upset that she deprived me of the opportunity to even hear her story about it, by denying it. After about 15-20 minutes of an awkward exchange, she finally admitted it. And she told me the story about how it had happened. Of course, I was turned on by this. In this way, she's in kind of a no-lose situation. Deep down inside, she knows that my arousal over the topic is going to trump my concerns or disappointment, or even my judgment, if there were any.
In some ways, I worry that all this creates an odd co-dependence between us. For instance, it means that if she's not feeling like being sociable, but she really wants to smoke, she might still be inclined to want to get together with me. I think that's a bit of a paranoid concern on my part, because usually we want to be together all the time. And if she really wanted to smoke by herself, she'll do it. And then she'll tell me about it, probably. And then I'll be aroused more than I'll be concerned about the "broken rule."
But it's a bit odd. It's an odd dynamic.
Of course, a smoking fetish is an odd thing, so it would stand to reason that there will be odd dynamics around it.
I still stand by the assertion that I would not want a full relapse. I don't have a good grasp of what the health risks are for someone who smokes 3-5 cigarettes a week. Especially, taken in the aftermath of having smoked regularly for 20 years of her life. I don't know, and I don't think anyone can state, on an individual basis, what the likelihood is for negative effects.
If the relapse progresses at any point, we'll have to readdress it again. For now, we're in a strange little dance of shared enjoyment of this occasional smoking thing.
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